


vermilion

by jamieme



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Holding Hands, Hurt and comfort, Inferiority, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, baby jian yi and zhan xi, but then its reciprocated, eyes turn red when youre lying, flashback sort of thing, i love mo guan shan my feisty bo, idk - Freeform, insecure jian yi, jian yi appreciates his friends, jian yi dealing with unrequited love, jian yi is smarter than he seems, kind of au- eyes turn green when youre honest, tried to base it off canon, zhan xi is oblivious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-23 04:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16151915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamieme/pseuds/jamieme
Summary: how do you tell your best friend you're in love with him?





	vermilion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marleyyy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marleyyy/gifts).



> written for my friend's birthday!! i LOVE you <3  
> it's based off of this au that she came up with? i think? im not sure she just wanted me to write about it so here it is!
> 
> AU- Your eyes turn green if you're being honest, your eyes turn red if you are lying. This only happens for certain questions though.
> 
> anyway pls enjoy my baby boy going thru some stuff...  
> (also it's one am and this is very unedited so...don't mind any mistakes pls)

 Doubt always festered Jian Yi’s mind, ever since they were young.

   +

_His small hands were soft, warm, free from any blemishes and calluses. JianYi held them dearly, close to his heart._

_He’d never thought someone would want to play with him, talk to him. His mother had been so nice as well._

_Were they friends? Is this friendship?_

_They chased each other during recess, ate together during lunch, and talked about anything that came to mind- which was usually random nonsense that none of the other kids ever understood. (‘Does the little worm need water?’ ‘No. It needs money to pay rent and buy candy for his children.’ ‘He looks thirsty…’)_

_Jian Yi smiles more than he ever had before; he wasn’t alone. His fear has been assuaged, though he hoped this wasn’t temporary._

_They usually went to the park and tumbled round the grass. His own mom would get upset when he would come home with muddy clothes and scrapes._

Does he like me? Am I a good friend? Is this right?

_“Hey, are we friends?” Jian Yi asked out of breath, after tumbling off a hill._

_He looked at Jian Yi as if he had asked a stupid question. Jian Yi bowed his head in childlike humiliation- he had been wrong._

_“Of course, why else would I have fun with you?” Zhan Xi replied promptly._

_His eyes were clear, his blue iris shone like the sky._

+

_It is the third year of grade school, and Jian Yi is no longer allowed to hold the warm hands he loves._

_“It’s weird! Besides we’re boys we can’t be holding hands!”_

_Jian Yi didn’t understand. Were certain genders not allowed to do things that made them happy?_

_“But we aren’t even- it’s just nice!” Jian Yi argues._

_Zhan Xi glared at him, “Holding hands is a hassle! You don’t get to run as fast! And you don’t get to- to, uh, just do stuff!”_

_Jian Yi pouted, he didn’t understand why his friend couldn’t just let him have this one thing, this small piece of warmth that cost him nothing. Why couldn’t he-_

_Maybe it wasn’t nothing to Zhan Xi._

_Did… Zhan Xi dislike holding his hand? Is Jian Yi weird? Is Jian Yi being selfish in wanting this? How could he never have considered Zhan Xi’s feelings? It fills Jian Yi with disgust with himself._

_Is this really what he’s become? A leech who sucks all the warmth from the people around him?_

_Something hurts in his chest, and suddenly he can’t breathe._

_“Jian Yi…?” Zhan Xi questioned his silence._

_In that silence, Jian Yi has managed to figure out the distance between them. A space of their own which has been forced to separate them. It makes him feel weak._

_“..d..do you hate me?” Jian Yi manages to ask in a joking tone, resisting his insecurities from breaking through his facade._

_His eyes are filled with incoming tears, but he’s facing away from Zhan Xi. Everything in this moment feels so far away._

_“What? Of course not.” Zhan Xi answers, causing Jian Yi to whip around to face him with disbelief of Zhan Xi’s certainness._

_But Jian Yi gapes as he sees the once clear blue eyes, tinged a growing green._

_Zhan Xi is honest. His chest feels lighter._

_The space becomes smaller, but they never hold hands again._

_+_

_It’s the first year of middle school, and Jian Yi fidgets obsessively with his new uniform._

_His mom had forced him to comb his hair, short from his summer haircut. Jian Yi hated it._

_When will Zhan Xi get here?_

_Kids around him were staring at him, judgements keen in their eyes._

_Does he look that out of place? Is he really that weird?_

_Jian Yi curls into himself, making himself smaller, less visible in his mind. He doesn’t like this. He feels alone, weak._

_“Jian Yi! What are you doing?” A familiar voice, a kind voice asks._

_Jian Yi looks up to see concerned blue eyes and grins._

_“Just waiting for you to catch up! What took you so long?” Jian Yi jokes as if he hadn’t been seconds away from breaking. Being alone made him think too much, too quickly, too dark._

_“I had to walk my sister to her school… what’s wrong?” Zhan Xi furrowed his eyebrows in concern._

_Jian Yi sucks in a loud breath and grins, “I’m A-okay! How are you?!” He lifts his hands into an OK sign and winks. He feels fake._

_Zhan Xi looks at him with a weird look, almost… judgmental._

_It’s similar to the looks the other kids had been giving him, and it fills him with cold dread, dripping down his entire body._

_He can’t hold it in anymore, “Am I weird? Do you still want to be my friend?” Jian Yi asked, whispering as his anxiety escaped him in a gasp._

_Cerulean eyes widen with shock, “Why in the world would I not want to be your friend? Especially so sudden?”_

_Jian Yi bit his lip. He had heard from the olders that people changed, that sometimes people become boring and nobody hangs out with them anymore; he doesn’t want that._

_But Zhan Xi’s eyes are clear._

_+_

_It takes him a while to comprehend what the meaning of wanting to hold Zhan Xi’s hand means._

_Now it seems his hand burns at the touch of something soft._

_+_

_It’s the second year of middle school, and Jian Yi hasn’t held his hand in years, but the wanting never goes away._

_He barely meets his eyes and struggles to keep up his goofy personality._

_How does one deal with the growing ache in their heart? How does one look at their best friend and suppress the immense lo- romantic feelings?_

_Why would anyone want to fall in love when it only feels like you’re drowning?_

_He struggles to breathe, unable to keep up with his feelings. It feels like his chest collapses with each breath he takes next to Zhan Xi; it is difficult._

_“Do you want the rest of my lunch?” Zhan Xi asks nonchalantly._

_Jian Yi’s breath stills; why does everything he says, everything he does make his heart beat wildly? Isn’t this wrong? Zhan Xi has said so himself- boys can’t hold each other’s hands. It’s_ **_wrong._ **

_“Ah! No thanks! I’m very full right now! I might even vomit! Ahaha imagine all the small little gummy bears coming up!” Jian Yi laughs, seeming like an airhead._

_Zhan Xi stares at him, a look on his face Jian Yi has never seen before._

_It hurts._

_+_

  Jian Yi had been drinking water, resting from a basketball scrimmage.

   Everything was so mechanical in his life now: wake up, eat, laugh with Zhan Xi, deal with Mo, do homework, mess with He Tian, play basketball, sleep.

  It’s a routine that distracts him from… everything.

  The space between them is a gaping hole in his chest; it’s unbearable. It feels like Jian Yi is behind a glass in front of the whole world and no one hears him screaming.

   ‘Zhan Xi and Jian Yi’ will never be; they’re just too different to be anything… anything but friends. Just thinking about the possibility pierces through him in a jolt of ache.

  How will he live the rest of his life only thinking about blue eyes and dirty-blonde hair?

  Sometimes it is very hard to breathe, but he must not let anything escape. He must keep his head above his feelings. He must not speak, for it is wrong.

   Jian Yi forces all these rules on himself to make the lives of others around him easier, but he feels a part of himself chipping away each day, each breath.

   It’s hard to keep this piece of himself locked away in his chest forever.

  Will it ever become easier?

  “Oi, Jian Yi! We’re starting again! C’mon!” A boy he does not recognize yells.

  Jian Yi grins, “Nah, man. I got shit to do. I’ll come back tomorrow.” He feels lightheaded.

  It’s already night when he walks to his apartment, the moonshine illuminating the sidewalk.

   He feels alone.

   +

 It’s the weekend when Zhan Xi asks a stupid question. And Jian Yi replies with an even more stupid reply.

  They were lying in the grass, looking at the clouds. It had been a long time since they had spent time like this.

  Jian Yi tried not to think much of it.

  “Have you ever fallen in love?”

 The question feels like an explosion in the silence of the wild.

  It takes a few moments to ensure his heart is still in his chest, that’s he’s still breathing, before he can answer.

  “O- of course not.” Jian Yi answers, sitting up.

   He looks down at his hands; since when had he been a liar?

   Zhan Xi is too quiet. He looks at him only to find that same expression from a year ago.

  “W-what…?”

  His eyebrows furrow and blue eyes fill with hurt, “You know… your eyes are red, right now.”

  “Huh?” Jian Yi managed.

   _This was not part of the plan._

 Did the universe really plot against him? Why is this happening now? Why now?

  Jian Yi wants to run away from the concerned look in Zhan Xi’s eyes.

  “It’s okay to be in love, you know?” Zhan Xi finally says.

The expression on Zhan Xi’s face is unbearable.

 Zhan Xi is calm and- and doesn’t fucking _care_ who or why or when or about anything at all.

  There really will never be a ‘Zhan Xi and Jian Yi’. The fact that he even had a little bit of hope makes him hate himself more.

    _God, I hate this. Why am I like this?_

Jian Yi runs away, tripping down the hills and muddy fields.

  The birds chirp, and Zhan Xi is left in confusion.

  +

   Lately, Zhan Xi has been… kinder.

 Sometimes, he’ll catch Zhan Xi staring at Jian Yi with a fond expression; it catches him totally off guard, making him dip into his feeling just for a second.

  The space between them has grown so minuscule, Jian Yi wonders if there was any left at all.

  He’d always thought this closeness to him would suffocate Jian Yi, but somehow he feels secure; he feels lighter.

  Currently, they’re in Jian Yi’s room, he’s lying in bed playing games on his phone while Zhan Xi is at the desk doing his homework.

  The silence is comfortable in a way Jian Yi never thought it could ever be.

   His chest is quiet but his mind races; it’s something he can deal with.

   Then his neck hairs rise, the feeling of someone’s eyes on him is intense. Jian Yi looks up from his phone to find Zhan Xi staring at him with a soft expression that makes Jian Yi’s insides melt.

   He stares back, but Zhan Xi doesn’t seem to notice. Jian Yi tilts his head in question, which makes Zhan Xi suddenly realize he’s staring.

 A red blush paints Zhan Xi’s ears and neck, it looks lovely.

   But what was up with him?

 “...hey..” Jian Yi starts.

   “Shut up. It was nothing.” Zhan Xi grunts, determinedly facing away from Jian Yi.

  “...Zhan Xi,” Jian Yi tries again.

     Zhan Xi turns around, a terrible expression on his face. He looked hurt and confused.

  Jian Yi sat up and walked toward him, “What’s wrong? Got shit stuck up your butthole?”

   He succeeds in lighting the mood, just a bit, for Zhan Xi snorts at his idiocy.

  “No,” Zhan Xi shakes his head softly, “I've just realized something… important.”

  What could possibly trouble the smartest guy he knows?

  “What is it?” Jian Yi asks impatiently, “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s… something I’d rather not..say.” Zhan Xi replies with great difficulty.

   This makes something inside him deflate; had he been hoping… for a revelation or a confession?

  (He tries not to think of the possibility that there’s a lack of trust)

  He’s already been over this: there will _never_ be a ‘Zhan Xi and Jian Yi’, it will always be ‘Zhan Xi’ and ‘Jian Yi’.

   For now, Jian Yi lets it go.

 +

  **_“Stop! Do you hear me?! Jian Yi!”_ **

**_“I just want to talk to you!”_ **

_“Let’s talk next time…”_

**_“Jian Yi!”_ **

**_“...do you like men? Is that it?”_ **

**** _“What are you talking about…”_

_“That’s not…_

_is that what you think this is?”_

   +

  It’s absolute torture.

  Jian Yi is finally out to Zhan Xi, but it’s not nearly as liberating as he thought it would be.

  All these new pressures of not acting _too_ gay but also not acting fake; it’s troublesome.

 **** “Hey, why are you acting so...different?” Zhan Xi asked.

   Guilt. Jian Yi turned away, “N-nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

  Of course, Zhan Xi would notice. Well, fuck.

“Jian Yi. Don’t lie to me.”

 “W-what?! I’m not- I just-“ Jian Yi sputtered, red shame covering his cheeks.

  “...stop.” Zhan Xi whispered calmly, holding Jian Yi’s shoulder steady.

 Jian Yi looks into his eyes, every barrier and mask dissolving in an instant.

 “I..can’t.”

 How do you tell your best friend you’re in love with him?

   +

  There’s something in the way Zhan Xi looks at him… Jian Yi would say longing, but what is there to long for?

  They’re in the middle of a basketball game, Guan Shan sitting on the sideline with his hurt arm.

  “Jian Yi, you do know this is basketball right? Like, you have to actually play to win?” He Tian teases.

   “What do you think I’m doing?!” Jian Yi exclaims as he tries to shoot a three pointer.

   “Tsk.” Zhan Xi clicks his tongue as he watches the ball miss the basket by an inch.

   “Do you seriously suck that bad?!” Guan Shan yelled.

  Jian Yi sticks his tongue out while He Tian let out a smug laugh.

  “Don’t worry, without Guan Shan, He Tian sucks.” Zhan Xi mutters loud enough for He Tian to hear.

  “I’ll have you know, I’m the one who wins when it’s me against redhead.” He Tian says seriously.

  “What’d you say about me?!” Guan Shan hollers, unable to hear the whole conversation.

 He Tian smirks and goes to ruffle his red hair; they horseplay for a while, just until Jian Yi catches his breath again.

  It’s incredible how _casual_ He Tian and Guan Shan are. Sure, maybe they’re not gay (though Jian Yi senses something about Guan Shan…), but their friendship is so natural and free.

  Something Jian Yi hasn’t exactly felt in a while.

 The space between him and Zhan Xi has widened just a bit, ever since he had come out to him. It feels cataclysmic next to the rowdiness of the others.

  But Zhan Xi hasn’t show any signs of being uncomfortable.

   He sighs, “C’mon, lovebirds, there’s a game to be played!” Jian Yi teases.

  “Shut the fuck up!” Guan Shan yells, holding up a bandaged middle finger.

 Zhan Xi snorts behind him.

  Jian Yi’s face bursts into a blush, and he’s not really sure why.

   +

 This time they’re in Zhan Xi’s room, playing video games together.

  Jian Yi loses for the fifth time in a row, and rolls around the floor in defeat.

  In a random turn, he lands on Zhan Xi’s lap; blue eyes stare down at him with fondness.

  There’s a softness in Zhan Xi’s expression that he usually finds on other girl’s faces when they look at boys they like.

 Like a breath fresh air, the realization fills Jian Yi with warmth.

 Even though they’ve been staring at each other for a while, Jian Yi’s head still in Zhan Xi’s lap, it hasn’t… been awkward. Everything is starting to make sense.

  “Zhan Xi… do you.. like me?” Of course Jian Yi is timid when asking, he’s still insecure and unsure of his realization. He could be _wrong._

 “I...what?” Zhan Xi answers, brows furrowing, and it fills Jian Yi with hatred- hatred and disappointment and disgust towards himself. How could he- how could he have asked that? Is he that stupid? He looks out to the window.

   “I- I don’t.” Zhan Xi finally responds, as if Jian Yi needed a clearer answer for the obvious.

  But when Jian Yi looks up, instead of finding clear blue, he sees his eyes tainted red.

  An arrow of shock pierced through Jian Yi, and he can’t help holding Zhan Xi’s face and pulling closer, making sure that what he’s seeing is right.

  Jian Yi whispers, “Your eyes are red…”

 Then, the blue eyes turned red look back directly at him. Zhan Xi smiles softly.

  “I couldn’t help it.”

  +

 Jian Yi finally gets to hold the hands that he loves.

 Not as frequent as Jian Yi would like, but he understands.

  Zhan Xi’s sister also knows about them now, and she’s so sweet and supportive. More than Jian Yi ever expected from anyone.

  _“Ugh! My ugly brother got a boyfriend before me! What even!”_

    Boyfriend. That’s very new. And it’s a very welcome improvement.

  They’re _boyfriends._ Just thinking about it makes Jian Yi smile brightly.

  Sometimes he can’t believe it’s real, but Zhan Xi will kiss his fingertips at night and sleep next to him, and god Jian Yi thinks he’ll never get used to it.

  “I really really like you!” Jian Yi declares one morning, walking together to school.

 Zhan Xi only raises an eyebrow, “I really like you too.” There's a soft smile on his lips and his eyes are tinged green.

  Jian Yi reaches for his hand happily, and Zhan Xi laces their fingers. Jian Yi hums with contentment.

 

  How does one not burst with happiness when your best friend loves you back?

   

  

**Author's Note:**

> wha t a r e n d in g s idk her!!  
> i hope u all enjoyed that! pls comment your thoughts! thank u :3


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